New Moon Seeds
Getting older is no joke.
Except….so much of how I find myself thinking, lately, is, in a perverse way, quite funny. Mostly odd, or sad funny. Occasionally truly laugh out loud funny. But maybe only to me…who lives in my head…and knows that once upon a time I was quite judgmental of the questionable relationship choices, lethargy, and cynicism of the middle aged folks I knew and now I am one of those middle aged folks with more than a few questionable relationship choices under my belt, a master degree in lethargy, and a healthy banter with cynicism. I mostly choose to laugh at this shift in perspective and the implicit “I told you so” of the 40 to 50 year olds I knew when I was young and full of dreams and the “a-ha” of my current 51 year old self.
“A-ha! I see. The body really does change.” “Aha! I should have kept doing yoga all those years.” Aha! You really should trust what people tell you about themselves, even when you think you can change them.” “Aha! If you find love, you should hold onto it with all you’ve got.” “Aha! I really should have listened when people told me I was beautiful.” “Aha! You really can’t love someone else until you love yourself, flaws and all.”
The me I am now has had my heart broken so many times that I’ve lost count. By men, by death, by theater, by family and friends, by my own grasping need to fill an empty space which led to lost opportunities for something better, the real deal dreams to come true down the road.
The me I am now has also spent a lot of my years learning how to be happy in my own skin and accepting heartbreak as a natural part of this being human experience. In fact, that may be my biggest and truest accomplishment so far, making it to 51 and finding that I’m a pretty good egg, inside and out, lovable and full of love, even in my broken places…..so what, if my arms are middle aged and it takes just the right angle to hide my propensity for a double chin, I have survived a lot and my smile is more genuine now than it ever was when I was young and hopeful. But I fear that in the process of getting here, I’ve loved myself into a corner where I can only maintain equilibrium if I keep quiet, contained, and primarily self sufficient. And this is not the life I want for the remainder of my years, dare I say, the second half of my life.
It’s not just a partner that I’d like in my life…maybe even one with a dog and kids and a welcoming family to extend my own…but I’d like to rediscover the spark in me which enjoys reaching out into the world with a helping and celebratory heart and hand. I’d like to look back from, say, 80 and say to my younger self, “Aha! You can have the life you dreamed, even if the road looks different than you imagined it would.”
Every once in a while, this morning, for example, I have a moment of clear-eyed wonder at that possibilities which still lay before me, if I can just stop cowering in my beautiful and safely contained life. And, more often, I feel exceedingly blessed to call my life beautiful and safely contained. It’s a conundrum. I don’t think one can reach for more while already bearing the weight of an armload full of life choices which require staying perfectly still so they don’t fall to the ground and break.
Yet, I know the truest things never break and are never lost.
New Moons are a time for planting new seeds, growing new hopes. How wonderful that yesterday Biden reached a conclusive level of electoral votes. It helps me to imagine that someday travel and life beyond these walls will be safe and joyful again. With this shift in the outer world, I’d like to believe my inner world will be blessed with the hope of new horizons and opportunities to love and work and travel with abandon—These are the new seeds I am planting.—Not dream seeds of youth, perhaps, but dream seeds of an authentic and seasoned heart brave enough to dream again after heartbreak has stripped it down to its barest beauty…a heart willing to be reborn and youthful once again from an older, hopefully wiser, vantage point.
How about you? What seed are you planting?